The NTNT™
Rulebook
Twenty rules for surviving the news cycle. Memorize them. Live by them. Some of them are on a mug. More are added by listeners every month.
- Rule#1
Never microwave a hot take. It heats unevenly, it explodes, and the whole office smells like it for a week.
On the gear - Rule#2
Check the source. Then check the source's source. If the source's source is "my cousin's group chat," stop checking and start praying.
On the gear - Rule#3
Do not feed the breaking-news hamster after midnight. He multiplies, and every single one of them starts a podcast.
On the gear - Rule#4
Stop asking to hold the detonator. The answer is still no. The answer was no in 2019. The answer will be no at your retirement party.
On the gear - Rule#5
Never light anything you couldn't explain to your grandmother. She watched four hours of cable news today. She has follow-up questions.
- Rule#6
Keep the truth serum out of reach of children and elected officials. Children can't handle it. Officials have built up a resistance.
On the gear - Rule#7
Never stand directly behind a story while it's blowing wide open. That's how you become the story.
- Rule#8
If the countdown clock starts running backwards, unplug the studio and notify the intern. The intern knows what they did.
- Rule#9
Return the crystal ball before the next election cycle. Last time it came back with gum on it and three predictions nobody asked for.
- Rule#10
A headline is not a story. It's a movie trailer. Nobody reviews the movie after watching the trailer. Except everybody on the internet.
- Rule#11
When we're wrong, we say so on air. Loudly. Then we blame Robb.
- Rule#12
If a guest says "this is off the record," check the mic. It's on. It's always on. It was on before you got here.
- Rule#13
If everyone agrees in under five minutes, somebody didn't read it. If everyone agrees in under one minute, nobody did.
- Rule#14
A rumor is a fuse, not a fact. Do not light it at Thanksgiving dinner. Uncle Dale has been waiting all year.
- Rule#15
Never argue with anyone holding a microphone and a deadline. They will win. Then they will edit you.
- Rule#16
The pause button is always within reach. Use it before your blood pressure does it for you.
- Rule#17
No experts were harmed in the making of this show. A few were mildly inconvenienced. One cried. He's fine now.
- Rule#18
Coffee first. Opinions second. Facts always. Decaf is a lie, and we don't air lies.
- Rule#19
Handle with care: contains explosive material. Also contains Gigolo Robb. Handle with extra care.
On the gear - Rule#20
If it sounds too good to be true, it's an ad. If it sounds too bad to be true, it's Tuesday.
The rule contest
Write rule #21.
- 1Submit a rule. Short, funny, and true to the show. One sentence works best.
- 2We read every one. The best go on a shortlist, and listeners vote on the show.
- 3Winners join the Rulebook. A new rule is added each month, credited to you if you like.
- 4The best end up on gear. The rules fans love most get printed in the NTNT™ shop.
Submit a rule